Women and Gays Need Not Apply

So as I am sure many of you have noticed, in this modern age there seems to be a terrible problem plaguing business: the acceptance of gays and women. They frolic on in, all merry and happy, and steal the jobs of the straight masculine alpha-males. Its frankly quite disturbing. Everyone knows that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and a gay’s place is… well… we won’t go there. Hint: its warm.

This new trend of giving rights and privileges to those who should have none has driven many of us morally minded citizens from the workplace. I, for one, was far too offended by such acceptance to remain in a business which practices that blatant bastardization of the natural order. This brings us to a new problem: where can all of us morally straight, hard working citizens go to work?

My privately owned business solves this problem.

In my company, women can serve only as secretaries and assistants, but never as executives. They simply lack the mental function to do so. Also, menstruation. Not only can openly gay men not work for me, but they must go through a moral cleansing and be cured of their homosexuality before they can even purchase our products. If they have proven themselves to be free of the homosexual germ, then there is a possibility they will be welcomed into our business community, but we’ll probably try to keep their former sins a secret. Additionally, in the past, my company has only hired unmarried men, but if you’re married, given the dire state of things, we’ll even allow you to work for us!

So if you are appalled by gays and women getting high level jobs in your company, leave, and join mine! Its exactly the same as yours, except we hate gays and don’t allow women the same rights as men. Sounds like paradise for the bigot, eh?

If you read this and have a problem with my business model, congratulations! You’re not a morally inept, ignorant asshole! If you read this and have a problem with my business model and are a Catholic, you may want to reevaluate the organization in which you put so much of your faith. Please watch below for an explanation:

Traditionally I wouldn’t explicitly admit to using sarcasm to make something or someone look stupid, but this post was all sarcastic/satirical.

Castration

My ethics class opened today with a different tone than normal. Just after fixing his microphone to his jacket, Professor Speight, in his usual charming, eloquent, and quick-witted manner, swung around and inquired of a student sitting in the front few rows, “Boring? Do you think this class if boring?” Yikes. He went on from there to detail why if one finds ethics boring one needs to reevaluate oneself for ethics is of the most applicable subjects one can learn. I entirely agree with him, and am thankful that I find the class as interesting as the professor.

This is a picture of castration, which can give you an idea of how brutal this was.

There were mumbles that maybe the boy was talking about some other class, but either way, he was irrevocably humiliated, and one could see it in his slouch following Speight’s comments. The boy certainly tried to redeem himself during class by participating, raising his hand to help explain why it is that a subject like math is different from philosophy. Good for him, a good start.

After class I stayed in my seat for a few minutes, leisurely putting my things away to see if the young man would apologize. As I watched the clock round 10:40, ten minutes before the class was to end, I began feeling nervous for him because I knew if I was in his position, 10:50 would be when I would try to explain myself to Speight and offer an apology. Sure enough, when the class was dismissed, the young man went to up to the podium and had a short discussion with the professor and likely cleared up any misconceptions or explained his comments about the class.

Dear God. I’m happy that wasn’t me.

Update: My friend Jeff, who sits near this kid, told me that he actually said the class was Ballin’ and the professor misheard him. Ouch. That sucks, so bad.

There Are No Cell Phones in Heaven

I was pretty pissed off that I forgot about Bill O’Reilly’s visit to BU last Friday, but this disappointment only augmented my fervor to see Elie Wiesel, the famed Holocaust survivor, Nobel Laureate, and BU professor, lecture on the story of Job on Monday.

Credit: Eric Wright, Daily Free Press; Click for their article.

A quick glance at the Wikipedia page prior to the talk gave me a brief basis on which to understand Wiesel’s lecture on the prophet turned punching-bag. However, though I found the story engaging, I was more engaged by Wiesel himself. Though he was reading from his notes for most of the talk, his voice, laden with a comforting Jewish accent, was captivating.

I think, for me, the best part of the talk was a small demonstration of how quick-witted this elderly scholar remains. Wiesel was describing an earthly scene and then transitioned to a scene taking place in Heaven. Just as he did this, a cell phone began ringing in the audience. He looked up from his notes, and likely would have taken off his glasses had he had them. After pausing for a few moments, waiting for the ringing to stop, he gently said, “there are no cell phones in Heaven.” The audience rightfully roared in laughter. It went something like this:

To end on a more solemn note, I respect how, despite the fact that most people know of and want to hear first-hand about his Holocaust story, he does not allow that part of his life to define him. He is a literary scholar, and from what I have heard, lectures infrequently on that topic. But there was one moment that stuck with me: he was talking about how when things got to a low point for Job, he looked up at the Heavens and asked of his God, “Lord what do you want from me?” Wiesel took this moment to address the audience, saying something to the likes of, “I can remember some hard times, and when the times got hardest, a pious friend of mine looked up at the sky and asked the same question: God, what do you want from us?” It was a subtle reference to his past, the kind of thing where everyone knew what he was talking about, though he never said it. I think he’s a fascinating man and look forward to future lectures.

Get Windows 7 for Only $29.99!!!

So by far my biggest disappointment with Windows 7 is its price tag. In a market where upgrading to an operating system like Snow Leopard costs a user a measly $29.00, the $120.00 price tag of a Windows 7 upgrade just isn’t competitive. However, Microsoft has offered a great opportunity for students currently running Windows Vista to take advantage of their newest (and best) operating system: a $29.99 upgrade.

No brainer.

Simply go to this url and enter in your college email address and you’ll quickly get an email telling you if your college is eligible and how to upgrade. I tested with my BU email and got this response:

It’s a really great deal and I highly reccomend any college student currently running Windows Vista to take advantage of it! The offer only lasts until January, so don’t hesitate. I know many people were dissatisfied with Vista, even though I personally really like it, but it simply can’t compete with Windows 7. $29.99 is a steal for this software.

Bad Luck Gone Good

This post will be unusually diary-ey.

My week started off badly when I woke up at 10:20 a.m. Tuesday morning, an hour after my first class began. I haven’t slept through, missed, or been late to a class this year yet, so this was pretty upsetting for me, and had me bummed out for most of the morning. But whatever, we all sleep through a class sometimes… at least that’s what everyone told me.

My luck turned around that afternoon when I attended my first office hour with my TF in my ethics class, Yoni. I argued (please don’t read this and think argue has a negative, arrogant connotation) my way to two more points on my test from last week, bumping my grade up to an 82. Word. I had ben nervous, but found him extremely approachable and ready to talk. And I vented to him that I had slept through my first class and he replied, “Good – its important to get a good night’s sleep.”

My luck continued to be awesome on the way back when I found a $10 bill on the side of the road. There is nothing that makes me happier than finding money. As I picked it up I found myself wondering if Kant would have a problem with it, and I am still unsure. Damn. I should have gone back and asked Yoni that.

From then on, my night was pretty good. I got some work done to make up for the guilt of having irresponsibly slept through my COM lecture. And I made sure to go to bed at about ten (okay well technically I was in bed at ten, but didn’t go to sleep till eleven after watching an episode of Mad Men) so I would wake up in time for my 10:00 am Ethics lecture. I did.

After the lecture I went to office hours with Professor Speight, my ethics professor, to discuss Kant as well as a test answer Yoni and I couldn’t agree on. Not only did I have an insightful conversation about Kant, but I also got another two points added onto my grade. Guess who now got an 84 on his test? This guy right heah.

When I got back to Warren, my friend Sam next door told me that he had won the raffle held in COM yesterday for a free ticket to a screening of the new movie Antichrist starring Willem Dafoe (badass). Sam didn’t want to go because he doesn’t like scary movies, so he gave me his ticket. Kick ass.

Then I played a couple games of Quake Live and did incredibly well. I had like 40 frags and ten deaths. Yeah. Awesome, I know.

On my way to my next class I got a free Little Debbie promotional cupcake. I mean, seriously, there is nothing happier than  getting a free cupcake. How awesome.

Then I went to my harder philosophy class, Mind, Brain, and Self, a class I was told by my academic adviser would be “nearly impossible” for me. For the first time I garnered the courage to speak up in the class discussion (its intimidating because I am one of only a couple freshmen in a sea of juniors, seniors, and I think even a couple grad students). My argument was coherent and actually generated some discussion, which made me feel good. However nothing could augment my feel goodness as much as getting back my first full-length essay in that class. A-. So happy. I called my mom but she didn’t answer, which made me a little sad, but I got happy again when I got another free cupcake.

So basically, I am having a good week, and I want the Internets to know this.

Euphemism

For those who don’t know, I have an unhealthy addiction to playing Quake Live. Don’t think this deserves me geek cred because it doesn’t – sadly Quake Live is the first version of Quake I have ever played. I’m not a cool hardcore fan whose followed the series since the original. And I say that without sarcasm.

However, even in my mind, skill and addiction to playing an online game is no cause for respect. If anything, in the real world, probably the opposite. However, Quake Live has a nice way of making its players feel better for becoming socially retarded introverts. I recently recieved this award after a pretty intense game where I likely dominated:

Congratulatioins! You wasted 100 hours of your life!

I am now a member of an elite group of 12,865 loosers who have wasted 100 hours playing this game. Right. Respect is definitely the correct word.

HOLY SHIT ITS SNOWING!

WOAH GUYS CAN YOU BELIEVES ITS SNOWING AND ITS ONLY OCTOBER?! THIS IS CRAZY!!! GLOBAL WARMING RIGHT!!!??? I FEEL SO BAD FOR ALL YOU LOOSERS FROM FLORIDA – WELCOME TO BOSTON!! MUAHAHAHA!!! LOLOLOL JK! YOU JUST GOTTA LOVE THAT NEW ENGLAND WEATHER!!! IT WAS LIKE SUMMER YESTERDAY, WTF SRSLY?! HOW CAN IT BE SNOWING NOW! I CAN’T WAIT TO SNOW BOARD AND SLED AND HAVE SNOW DAYS! I’M SO SAD ITS NOT STICKY THOUGH BECAUSE I CAN’T MAKE SNOW BALLS :*(. WELCOME TO WINTER!!!!

SSSSSSSNNNNNNNOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Seriously, its not that big of a deal. Stop tweeting and facebooking.

I Gothcah Wild Things Right Heah, Comein Gettem’

From the moment I heard that Maurice Sendak’s ten sentence childrens picture book Where the Wild Things Are was being adapted into a film, I was as skeptical as I was excited. However, based on the movie I just saw, I can say that my skepticism was far overstated and my excitement far understated. Spike Jonze’s movie violently destroyed my expectations of a mediocre childrens film with a sentimental and beautifully shot exploration of childhood fears and coping with growing up. Though its obvious that the film is a technical masterpiece, its true magic lies within the effortless emotional connections the movie establishes with the audience from the very first frame. The audience laughs and cries because nearly every member has experienced what we see Max going through on screen.

Found'em!

When I was young, I used to dress up in Halloween costumes and run around the house pretending to be whatever. My favorite thing to do was go with my mom to BJs to pick out a box from the box-bin to bring home and make into a submarine. I once built the greatest fort in my room by tucking my blankets into my desk, bureau, and book case, all of which crashed down on top of me after I tripped on one of the blankets. I was as imaginative as I was hyper-active, and my parents difficulty with dealing with a rambunctious child often led to tearful tirades and threats of therapy and Ritalin. However, these fights always ended with a tearful, regretful, and thankful embrace from parents who moments earlier had been furious. The other times they showed genuine anger towards me generally followed my own fits of frustration. Slammed doors, broken furniture, holes in walls, and destroyed toys were an unwelcome side-effect of my growing pains.

This one time after a big fight with Jenna, I left this on her floor. Dated April 6, 2003. I was pissssssed.

Growing up with an older sister, the frustrations of being a younger brother were ever-present. One summer my sister and our neighbor Frankie destroyed the tee-pee we had built out behind my house. When I approached my dad bawling and shaking in anger, he assured me that if he had known, he wouldn’t have let it happen. Whenever Jenna’s friends were over I would get out my spy kit and video camera and inject myself into their time, usually ending up with me in tears following their teasing. This teasing would often take the form of “why don’t you go play with your own friends… oh wait.” When I was 12 or 13 my parents were so concerned with my lack of friends that they bought me an ATV for New Hampshire. That was actually the one time not having any friends was awesome. And I totally made friends the next year. Hah.

These are all little bits of my childhood that I had seemed to have forgotten. I can remember that I was a child and I can recall memories from my childhood, but I have never seen a movie which so vividly allowed me to remember what it was like to be a kid and empathize with the fears and frustrations of growing up and being young in the way that Where the Wild Things Are.

Technical, symbolic and aesthetic beauty aside, this movie was magical.

Go see it.

Why Seniors Should Be Banned From Technology

When we first got AOL back in the day my dad immediately got caught up in the whimsical world of email forwards. To him, the buzzing and whirring of our 56k modem was just the sound of impending inbox hilarity. Though back in the day I shared his penchant for funny pictures of clowns doing dirty things and Osama bin Laden with a penis photoshopped onto his head, I have since outgrown email forwards. He hasn’t.

I just received two text messages from my dad within a minute of each other. I’m going to respond with an “lol” so he doesn’t feel sad. I love  my dad. Here are his texts:

FWD:<FW>FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD: FWD: Happy Halloween!! You’ve been Mooned!! One rule to this game…You CANNOT get someone who has already got you

You see I think its funny because its a butt with a pumpkin painted on it. lols.

FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD: FWD: – Fwd: Chinese buffet menu: Chu sum twat, Suk mi cok, Tung sum ho, Gulp sum cum & Cho Kon it! Keep this menu going!

My dad is the man.

A funny aside: This one time right after he first got texting I texted my dad some snarky funny comment to which he replied, “that was funny. i laughed.” Poor guy. No one had taught him the wonders of lol.

Colge

Anyone who has spoken to me in the past year or so will know that recently I developed a pretty persistent penchant for shortening words. The example I always give is of this time where I was trying to tell some friends that I had a doctors appointment and was then going to dinner with Ms. Cecchi and the newspaper staff. I simply informed them “doc-point-din-check” and was shocked when they didn’t understand what I was trying to communicate to them. I am a communication student, so I’m supposed to be a good communicator. I just figured they were bad listeners. However, unbeknown to me, I instinctively informed them in the most efficient way possible.

My favorite word to shorten as of recently is College. Naturally by this post’s title one can likely infer that I shorten it to colge, which is far more fun to say. This new favorite word of mine combines with my love of the movie Animal House to really, really want this shirt to happen:

Lame in any other context, cool here.

Seriously. Someone make me this shirt. White type on a navy sweatshirt, please.